Sunday, January 24, 2010

16th January 2010

Time: Early Morning Forget my last post. Sritama called me 8:45pm, and asked me to give it one last try. I left for the station, and there, wow! There was the train. So, I'm on a train now, crossing Bakhtiyarpur Junction. My blog is inaccessible, I'm penning on a diary, after some seven years I guess. I'll be posting this to my blog ASAP. Now, why do I need to write at all? What's all the urgency? As usual, I need to write, to keep track of what I think and feel, from time to time. It's necessary because, thoughts and feelings change at an amazing speed within my brain! With such a fluctuating mind, I need to keep track of every though and feeling, so that, when I lose my sanity completely, my doctor can read these, find a pattern, and cure me. TOMG, what nonense am I talking about? Is this some long-term planning? Only last evening, Gul accused me of long-term planning! Yeah, "accused" because that isn't true! Anyway, coming to the real reason why I rushed out of my berth, rushed to the loo, and rushed back and took this diary out, is, well, the usual reason. Muddled thoughts. Which I need to think over and clarify, and hence, write! When I woke up, an hour ago (my co-passengers are still asleep), my first "feeling" was: WOW! I didn't dream of her! Good, great! So is this the change Delhi is about to bring this time? Okay, wonderful I want to text Sritama and tell her this, and thank her for that impulsive wild phone call last night, that's actually making me go to Delhi right now! I took my cellphone out. I'd decided to switch it off, last thing I remember at night. Now, I realize, I haven't done it. Damn. No calls, no messages. I remember the last time I was on my way to Delhi. Someone had told me that she misses me a "little", special emphasis on "little". This time, no calls. Why am I thinking things that are harmful for my mood? Forget it. But, no, wait. Even last time, she didn't mean it. So, it's still the same. There's nothing to mourn over! If, she had really missed me that night, she wouldn't have planned the Delhi-in-December trip that very night, with special emphasis on "Don't accompany me, I want to be independent." Independence, till "him". Anyway, now I know, that independence is just one of the many excuses. There had always been excuses, and they were natural. Not that there was dishonesty involved. Being with me, makes her feel dependent on me. Being with him, makes her feel "high". [smirk] I had always been blind to it. Till the launch ride shoved it into my visibility range. Anyway, I don't want to think of all these, all over again. And again. The story is over. She is not a person anymore. She is an evil spirit, that haunts me, and brings about all sorts of negative emotions: hatred, anger, sorrow, jealousy, and of course, the suicidal urge! An evil spirit, indeed!

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