Saturday, May 29, 2010

29th May 2010 11pm

One moment, I really thought and believed I've lost interest in everything. Everything around me. And when I say everything, this time, I mean EVERY fucking thing, with no exceptions. I felt utterly disinterested in everything. I felt as if I'm indifferent to everything.
I opened this page. I wanted to write something, about something different. Yeah, a lot of people have been complaining about the monotone of my blog, and I've been telling them not to read, because it's not meant for them. Anyway, today, I thought, I will, have a change of topic. I hunted my brain for something NEW. Nothing came. But compulsion, is a thing, at times. I thought, okay, let me start with me. I can write about myself, for a change. The contradictory voice quipped "Don't you write only about yourself, already?". Well, yeah, still, I thought I'd write about myself. That would make for a good start. Introspection. About how bad a person I really am, and how I take pride in it, and how I use the "I am a bad person" statement to justify my otherwise-unjustifiable actions. I started the Windows Media Player, with all the songs. It irritated me, yeah, but still, I allowed it. And then, I changed the song that was playing to some song of mine, that I already like. First trigger.
My cousin came home to tell me how he'd cracked an entrance exam, without any preparation. I was too thrilled to keep it to myself. I had to share it, goddamn it. Okay, I just put it up on my Google Talk status. That was a compromise. I wanted to do more. But I started writing here, in order to distract myself. Okay, second trigger.
I opened Facebook, saw Sayak's blog getting recognition. More stuff. Yeah, I wanted to talk about it. And yeah, my disinterested mode died away. 3rd and 4th triggers, respectively. I mustered self-control. I didn't do what I wanted to do. One voice said "What's new about it? You've tried controlling before.". Another voice said "This is you. This is YOU.".
Now, almost a quarter of an hour later. I look back. Abhik, Disha, etc. Yes, I am curious. But I don't feel like showing it. I wish things would happen the way I want them to happen, without me having to make it happen. That's not un-natural, is it?
What do I want? No, I don't want the picture-perfect future I dream of. I don't want it. Why? Because I have the feeling that even if it comes true, something will be missing. So, what do I do? Before I make that picture-perfect dream come true, I have to hunt down the something that I feel will disturb things. I may feel that I've found it, I've solved it, but I have to check and double-check and confirm. That's impossible, within my mortal limits. I am not GOD. The other voice "Who says you're not God?".
What's the other option? Change the dream. Or at least, change a few things and people in that dream. Okay, that's do-able. I've known people, who'd fought worse circumstances and emerged victorious. I've known people who've picked up the pieces of one broken dream, and built another. I might say I'll try doing it.
But, this very page contradicts me. My words, my actions, my thoughts, none of them have "credibility". There's nothing about me, that I can point at and say, no matter what, this will never change. Seriously, there's nothing like that. The more I think I think about it, the more I realise it's credibility! I started this blog with a link that says "this--won't--matter". And, yet, it matters, now. My first post on this blog was a disclaimer that this blog won't do what my previous blog did. I'd vowed not to write what I used to write, the purpose I used to write for. What happened? Even the second post contradicts my first post, doesn't it?
In a way, it doesn't. In a way it does. No, I won't go back to my discourses on the universality of duality. It's a poor excuse. Even my dear friends like Sritama and Deshraj, and Payal, and Picco, who love me, know that I can't be trusted. I boast about it. Usually. Till I betray someone who matters. My own self. Like I did on this page. I betrayed myself. I forgot the treaty I'd made with myself. I have an explanation for that too. I'd tried getting a poison out of my system. It turned out, after a lot of events, and journeys, that I can't get the pison out of my system. I can go to Sikkim, I can have a beer with a cheerful 17-year old guy. But I can't change the thought process. And I can't change the only thing that's definite in all the indefiniteness. Even when I don't have connection (net, or phone) I have something to say, publicly.
In my own way, I justify it. I endorse it! My "Express yourself" campaign! I ask others to do what I do. I just don't tell them how much I regret it. I don't regret it always. That's my arrogance, maybe. But then, I say I don't have an ego. I can prove that I don't have an ego. Then, where and how does the arrogance come? The only explanation would be that both co-exist. Whether they co-exist in peace is a question best left unanswered. Yes, escapism. Something I've always talked against, I need to practice that myself, this time. An adaptation to changing circumstances, maybe. Voice within: What has changed? Nothing!
This is the reason why a conclusion can never be reached. I can't even tell you if the song playing right now, "Yaadein" is one of my favorites. Love and hatred occur simultaneously. Love and indifference occur simultaneously.
I can go on for ages. And prove how I bad my worse half is. And prove how I can never be definite. Not unless I'm narrow-minded. I might be bad, in every other way, but I'm not narrow-minded. But, then not being narrow-minded works against me. The opening of the "door" leads to outward flow of information. Worse, it leads to inflow of every random idea and possibility. No matter how much I believe in one particular fact, the belief in the exactly contradictory fact will never be nil and null.
Did I say, I'll talk about myself? Yeah, I did so. As usual. But I didn't reach any definite conclusion about what I am. If I really enjoyed being as bad as I am, then the last post wouldn't exist. If I'm actually, already, being something I don't like being, I must resolve that. Hope Sayak is right. Being a good person, is also a pursuit, not an achievement.


  1. Okay!
    Nothing to predict. You can bend predictions. ;)

  2. contradictions are everywhere, in everything, that is what I believe..Oil and water do not mix, but they can co-exist..wherever there is light, there is always a shadow..I think so..and what matters is purely personal, as a social animal, man (and woman) cannot be detached at all times

  3. Maybe, not realising the contradictions are good for the mind. Maybe. "What matters is purely personal". This is the part that I'l give more thought to. :)