One moment, I really thought and believed I've lost interest in everything. Everything around me. And when I say everything, this time, I mean EVERY fucking thing, with no exceptions. I felt utterly disinterested in everything. I felt as if I'm indifferent to everything.
I opened this page. I wanted to write something, about something different. Yeah, a lot of people have been complaining about the monotone of my blog, and I've been telling them not to read, because it's not meant for them. Anyway, today, I thought, I will, have a change of topic. I hunted my brain for something NEW. Nothing came. But compulsion, is a thing, at times. I thought, okay, let me start with me. I can write about myself, for a change. The contradictory voice quipped "Don't you write only about yourself, already?". Well, yeah, still, I thought I'd write about myself. That would make for a good start. Introspection. About how bad a person I really am, and how I take pride in it, and how I use the "I am a bad person" statement to justify my otherwise-unjustifiable actions. I started the Windows Media Player, with all the songs. It irritated me, yeah, but still, I allowed it. And then, I changed the song that was playing to some song of mine, that I already like. First trigger.
My cousin came home to tell me how he'd cracked an entrance exam, without any preparation. I was too thrilled to keep it to myself. I had to share it, goddamn it. Okay, I just put it up on my Google Talk status. That was a compromise. I wanted to do more. But I started writing here, in order to distract myself. Okay, second trigger.
I opened Facebook, saw Sayak's blog getting recognition. More stuff. Yeah, I wanted to talk about it. And yeah, my disinterested mode died away. 3rd and 4th triggers, respectively. I mustered self-control. I didn't do what I wanted to do. One voice said "What's new about it? You've tried controlling before.". Another voice said "This is you. This is YOU.".
Now, almost a quarter of an hour later. I look back. Abhik, Disha, etc. Yes, I am curious. But I don't feel like showing it. I wish things would happen the way I want them to happen, without me having to make it happen. That's not un-natural, is it?
What do I want? No, I don't want the picture-perfect future I dream of. I don't want it. Why? Because I have the feeling that even if it comes true, something will be missing. So, what do I do? Before I make that picture-perfect dream come true, I have to hunt down the something that I feel will disturb things. I may feel that I've found it, I've solved it, but I have to check and double-check and confirm. That's impossible, within my mortal limits. I am not GOD. The other voice "Who says you're not God?".
What's the other option? Change the dream. Or at least, change a few things and people in that dream. Okay, that's do-able. I've known people, who'd fought worse circumstances and emerged victorious. I've known people who've picked up the pieces of one broken dream, and built another. I might say I'll try doing it.
But, this very page contradicts me. My words, my actions, my thoughts, none of them have "credibility". There's nothing about me, that I can point at and say, no matter what, this will never change. Seriously, there's nothing like that. The more I think I think about it, the more I realise it's credibility! I started this blog with a link that says "this--won't--matter". And, yet, it matters, now. My first post on this blog was a disclaimer that this blog won't do what my previous blog did. I'd vowed not to write what I used to write, the purpose I used to write for. What happened? Even the second post contradicts my first post, doesn't it?
In a way, it doesn't. In a way it does. No, I won't go back to my discourses on the universality of duality. It's a poor excuse. Even my dear friends like Sritama and Deshraj, and Payal, and Picco, who love me, know that I can't be trusted. I boast about it. Usually. Till I betray someone who matters. My own self. Like I did on this page. I betrayed myself. I forgot the treaty I'd made with myself. I have an explanation for that too. I'd tried getting a poison out of my system. It turned out, after a lot of events, and journeys, that I can't get the pison out of my system. I can go to Sikkim, I can have a beer with a cheerful 17-year old guy. But I can't change the thought process. And I can't change the only thing that's definite in all the indefiniteness. Even when I don't have connection (net, or phone) I have something to say, publicly.
In my own way, I justify it. I endorse it! My "Express yourself" campaign! I ask others to do what I do. I just don't tell them how much I regret it. I don't regret it always. That's my arrogance, maybe. But then, I say I don't have an ego. I can prove that I don't have an ego. Then, where and how does the arrogance come? The only explanation would be that both co-exist. Whether they co-exist in peace is a question best left unanswered. Yes, escapism. Something I've always talked against, I need to practice that myself, this time. An adaptation to changing circumstances, maybe. Voice within: What has changed? Nothing!
This is the reason why a conclusion can never be reached. I can't even tell you if the song playing right now, "Yaadein" is one of my favorites. Love and hatred occur simultaneously. Love and indifference occur simultaneously.
I can go on for ages. And prove how I bad my worse half is. And prove how I can never be definite. Not unless I'm narrow-minded. I might be bad, in every other way, but I'm not narrow-minded. But, then not being narrow-minded works against me. The opening of the "door" leads to outward flow of information. Worse, it leads to inflow of every random idea and possibility. No matter how much I believe in one particular fact, the belief in the exactly contradictory fact will never be nil and null.
Did I say, I'll talk about myself? Yeah, I did so. As usual. But I didn't reach any definite conclusion about what I am. If I really enjoyed being as bad as I am, then the last post wouldn't exist. If I'm actually, already, being something I don't like being, I must resolve that. Hope Sayak is right. Being a good person, is also a pursuit, not an achievement.