Saturday, May 22, 2010
Its high time I wrote something. Because its high time I stop pondering over absolutely useless stuff. I got a reassurance last night that my life's okay. Perfectly okay. More than perfect. How many people get what they want? I do! So, no complaints. Its 22nd May. And I still don't have the books or the syllabus of the exam that will start from June. Once again, as soon as I start typing on this window, my brain clears. Lethargy is flushed out. It doesn't seem normal to write down the noteworthy things that I did all these days. Because my Facebook badge shows on my blog page, and I update my Facebook status more than once a day. this reminds me of an SMS a friend had sent me few days back. "Height Of Addiction: Prisoner being taken to the gallows, to be hanged till death. Being asked on his last wish, he replied "I want to update my Facebook status!" After a long time this was a forwarded SMS that I forwarded to others! In this post, I'll be discreet. Don't ask me why. It's against what I usually do. But I'm not in my usual mood, I've realised that long. For a change, I feel like keeping things to myself. I have had friends over at my place. Friends, and not-so-much-of-a-friend, both. Friends became more of friends, and the latter group became more distant. I didn't choose to make it happen. It just happened. I had kept my options open. I've been releasing restrictions on my rules, for quite sometime now. Strange, isn't it? Me and my rules. So, what is the confusion about? Me, after all! I'm envied by people for having my priorities clear. But that was past. Sometime last year, the priority-determining factor vanished. And I lost all my sense of what's important-most, what's second-most-important, and blah blah. All I know is that I need ONE thing [worth 5 lakhs of indian currency) before I can do everything else. Write for contests, make use of the handy-cam, publicly, and all that I dreamt of doing since Class 5. I need an identity or that. Chuck identity, I can manage that. studies, well yeah, I need someone strict for that. Like Disha. Who insulted me, and hit me on my head, every time, I couldn't do a program. I was filled with hatred for her, then. But, one thing that I've always boasted about is that I'm not an escapist. Though I badly wanted to, I didn't tell her what I wanted to: "I want to go home and study on my own". I wanted to do the next program as much correct as possible, so that her opportunities to insult me would decrease. The result was good. I need someone like that, who'll tell me that I'm dumb, so that I study harder, to prove that I'm not dumb. Here comes the problem. The issue of physical discomfort. The reason why I want to be on my own, at my home, even though I love staying outdoors. That's the confusion. When want to do something, and not want to do the same thing, equally, strongly. I remember the posts on Duality in my previous blog. I'm so used to it now. I'm filled with opposite desires. And I console myself with the concept that everyone is. And few people around me, agree with me; while most don't. To say that nothing is absolute, can be both correct, as well as a poor consolation. Is this called being discreet, no! Okay, I'm still me, good, I'm glad. I have to focus on one thing. That's what the movie Kites re-asserted. That's probably the only reason I like the movie, despite it's faults. Unlike Upn In The Air, it didn't say something I already knew. It reminded me of something I'd forgotten. I'm grateful. I think I got back my priority-determining factor few nights ago. Last night, the factor itself confirmed so. I'll be on the right track, henceforth. Confusion is the right track. To be confused is to keep all possibilities open. Otherwise, it may turn into over-confidence.